indulge me.

one of the "fill-ins" this week inspired me to write another entire post. it's the one where i was supposed to fill in what's extraordinary about me. i thought for awhile, but couldn't come up with one. that made me feel really bad. i know i struggle with self-esteem (example: i felt bad about myself for not being able to come up with anything good about myself! geez!) and that struggle has damaged a lot of relationships i've been in. i think my lack of self-esteem really started in middle school. that's when i was at my peak of ugliness/awkwardness/geekyness. there were girls that i had been friends with in elementary school were able to join the cool clique.. and left me on the outside. actually, i tried to at least be on the fringe. one of my really good friends since kindergarten was in the cool group. she had to choose between me and the cool group. the cool group won. i didn't wear the "right" clothes (GAP mostly), i wore glasses, my hair was long and stringy, i didn't take a bath every night (hahaha), and my ears stuck out (still do). i got made fun of and pushed down during "socialization time" after lunch. i made up a friend to write notes to, since all the cool girls were writing notes to each other. and worst of all, i wouldn't fully commit to friendships with girls who would have been friends with me, because they were not in the popular group. i would associate with them until i felt like the cool clique was watching then i'd pull away and act like i didn't like them.

anyway- time went on and high school came and i made friends with other people... but i mostly clung to jeremy, my high school boyfriend (who turned out to be gay). those popular girls were still around, and i guess i still wanted to impress them, but i didn't push the issue. i cared, but it wasn't at the forefront anymore, i guess. i developed a really tough exterior. i was good at not letting anyone in. i could date someone for 2 weeks and dump them without another thought. i actually told one boyfriend that i needed more space. (people who know me well today would know how crazy that is for me).

on comes college, i ended up making friends with GIRLS! it was crazy. i still don't know how it happened. i guess the image i had the whole time i lived in albany and went to school with the same people K-12th was erased when i went to mercer. i got to be a new person. and people accepted me. but of course the damage was already done... and i see rear its ugly head all the time. i have no confidence when it comes to making friends with other girls. i really haven't made any friends on my own since i've lived in albany. i use whatever guy i'm dating and his friends as my social life. so whenever i get dumped, i'm back to zero. i would never just call someone up and ask them to do something, because i always assume that people don't like me. that's my overall feeling- people don't like me. girls don't like me. boys... boys, i can handle. that's a whole different can of worms though.

enough rambling about my lack of self-esteem. i asked megin, cynthia, and john what was extraordinary about me. so far megin has responded. this is her list:

1. i have a knack for trendy/stylish things... not just clothes, but decorating too
2. the strange way my family relates to each other
3. my level of commitment to all the things i'm involved with
   
4. my makeup stays on all day because i have nice, non-oily skin (hahaha)
5. i'm a great teacher (she only assumes this, since she's never witnessed i

i thought it might be good for me to really try and make my own list. to do this, i had to silence all the negative self-talk that would tell me all my answers were stupid and that it wasn't something extraordinary or something i should like about myself. anyway, here goes...

what i like about myself:

1. my sense of humor
2. i am quirky and unique
3. i'm a good speller
4. i'm a good writer and journal keeper
5. i love cats- all of 'em!
6. i can wiggle my ears.
7. i can sing crazy high. notes only dogs can hear.
8. i can sing and play the piano... even at the same time
9. i'm great with kids and kids love me. i love being "miss whitney" and even "ms coleman"
10. i'm great at doing my own eye makeup.
11. i like being creative and crafty.
12. i'm a gifter. i love buying little gifts for people.
13. i love writing and receiving hand-written notes and letters.
14. i have a really good "teacher look," you know, "the eye."
15. i like my handwriting
16. i like my big boobs. (can i say that?)
17. i'm getting better and more flexible at yoga.
18. i can keep duple against triple rhythms superbly.
19. i have a "cute" personality.
20. i make a mean broccoli casserole.
21. i'm smarter than the average bear.
22. i like to read.
23. i like to see oscar award-winning movies, but i also love girly chick flicks.
24. i went to public school.
    
25. i have a masters degree.
26. my classroom is always super cute and fun.
27. i have a wonderful owl collection and i love all things owl.
28. i'm a good friend (despite being told the opposite by my freshman roommate).
29. i have an undying Target obsession. i could go there daily.
30. i once ate 5 hotdogs and 2 plates of crawfish in one sitting. i was about eleven.
31. i can sing the names of the 50 states in alphabetical order.

i'm proud of myself for this list of 31.

1. New experiences and possibilities excite me.

2. Maybe an unexpected turn on a daily walk could lead you right where you belong.

3. I'm looking forward to my dear friend Megin's wedding- & my first big trip w John.

4. My relationship with John has become something I never have imagined.

5. Try to find healing, peace, and happiness.

6. _____is what's extraordinary about me. (i'll get back to you on this one)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Harper and Davis, then relaxing at home in my pjs watching "Say Yes to the Dress" & dreaming that someday I might get to say yes, tomorrow my plans include keeping myself busy so that I don't have time to miss John too much and Sunday, I want to see John again after 3 days without him!

friday fill-ins

1. Up, up and away.

2. There's always something going around

3. Coats and scarves, mittens and boots: should not be part of my wardrobe.

4. I would do anything for a nice back rub.

5. I'm thinking about how much I wish I was going to see John more this weekend.

6. Spring be here soon!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing John after the basketball game, tomorrow my plans include being sad when I'm alone in my bed and Sunday, I want to have extra time with John, since we don't have choir!

simplification.

i just listened to a podcast from one of my favorite bloggers, tranquility du jour. it was a podcast on simplification. i am now very inspired to simplify my life, especially my stuff! i am a single girl living in a 3 bedroom house FULL of stuff. like... stuff pouring out of everywhere. i've often thought about how in the world i would combine households with a man in the future, if i get married. like... let's say i marry john and move to his house. where the heck would all my stuff go? he has a house of stuff and i have a house of stuff and there's just not room for all of it! but more importantly, the stuff just does not bring me happiness! in fact, it just creates more stress. the more stuff i have, the more time i have to spend cleaning and taking care of all the stuff! i have so much clothing that i can go weeks without doing laundry. and even then, my closetS are still full of clothing. there are 4 closets in my house (not including the linen closest) and ALL of them contain some portion of my wardrobe. besides that, i have a LARGE pile of clothing in the hallway and another in my office, waiting to be donated to the goodwill. i'm just tired of the stuff. i want to streamline. i want to stop buying more and more and more thinking it will make me happier. i want to have enough money for the things i honestly need without having to work more, taking more time away from doing things i love and spending time with the people i love. just this morning i was considering taking on some voice or piano students to make a little extra cash, but i would be giving up time i would like to spend with john, family, and friends. i think my time is more valuable than the stuff i would buy with the extra money i made. if i cut out all the stupid excess spending, i wouldn't need to work more and i would still have money for what i need. i could pay off my debts and feel free. john and i were watching a show about money last night and were talking about how they say you should have 3 months worth of living expenses in savings "just in case." and john said he's heard that you shouldn't buy a house unless you have 6 months worth!! we're both screwed if we even miss one month's paycheck. we can't survive like that, especially if we were to get married and have children. we can't afford kids at this rate. the other day i heard suze orman on oprah talking to the octomom about how she shouldn't have had kids that she can't afford. i hadn't really considered it before, but it's true- i can't just decide how many kids i want based on my desires and feelings, i also have to base it on how much money i have. will i be able to responsibly afford 3 kids? i know that combining salaries with my future husband and combining our living expenses will help have some expendable cash for making a family... but how large our family will be IS based on what we can afford! john and i both have medical conditions that will not be going away and will only get more complicated as we get older. there will have to be money for that. we're already facing medical bills that we don't feel we can afford. i'm hoping that by simplifying what i think i have to have, i will be able to afford what i need and what kind of life i see for myself in the future.

speaking of a waste of money, last christmas michael gave me a gift certificate to the spa for a facial, massage, pedicure, and manicure. unfortunately i never clalled to make the appt and it expired and now they won't let me use it. boo on mint julep.

wow. call me the worst blogger ever. last post was at the beginning of november and now we are halfway through with december! perhaps one of my resolutions for 2011 should be to blog more regularly. it feels like yesterday that i was coming up with my resolutions for 2010 and now the whole year has flown by. this has been a great year for me. a nice, but casual relationship has blossomed into something wonderful that i wasn't expecting. what i assumed would be a fling has become my first year-long relationship.

this has also been a great year at work. my classes are better than ever and i feel good about it. in may i will finish with the TAPP program and get a pay raise for having a clear renewable certificate. SO excited about that one. also next summer i will be in the wedding of my very best friend, megin. super super excited about that. especially since she decided to get married in nyc and i'll be spending a whole week up there having girl time with her and cynthia while we get ready for the big day.

i'm hoping and praying that a lot of john's health issues improve in the coming year. as always, i hope for good health for myself also. one of my resolutions will definitely be to lower my A1C. i do hope to get married and have a kid in the not-so-distant-future... and currently my A1C is too high to safely have a child. i better get a jump start on improving that so i have the next few years ahead of me to get better. i'm thinking about going on the pump this summer. insulin pump, in case some of you don't know what i'm talking about. i will also be having cataract surgery this summer. i am half-way excited about that since it will mean not wearing contacts anymore, but it will also mean i have to wear those old grandma reading glasses. i will officially look like a teacher, for sure! i'm gonna wear them on a chain around my neck and everything! ha.

i'm looking forward to the holiday season. well, i guess i shouldn't say i'm looking forward to it, since we are right here in the midst of it. but since today is the last day of school, i feel that i can now fully concentrate on the many celebrations that are to come. tonight there is a party at a friend's house, but i think john and i may have a movie date, instead. friday night it the big party at my parents' house. remember those years you used to come cynthia?? so fun. this is john's first experience with the coleman family christmas party. my sister will actually not be in attendance this year, and i'm none too happy about that. since she's living so far away, she can't come down this weekend AND next weekend for christmas. boo. saturday and sunday i will be singing with the adult choir at 3 candlelighting services. i have a great solo in one of my favorite christmas songs- "in the bleak midwinter." i'm excited (and nervous) about john finally hearing me sing on sunday night when he comes. i have not put up a christmas tree yet, so hopefully tomorrow or later this weekend i can get that up! i considered not doing it at all, but facebook friends convinced me to go for it. i love when my house is decorating, i just don't like the decorating and undecorating.

i'm sad that john will be leaving me for 8 days starting tuesday. he's going to visit his parents for the holidays, of course. i'm glad he is doing that, because i want him to have a close relationship with his parents. but i wish he didn't have to leave me for so long! he has 4 gifts for me and i'm very excited to see what they are! he didn't ask for hints or anything so these gifts are all his idea! i'm impressed. speaking of christmas gifts, i still haven't used the spa gift certificate that michael gave me for christmas last year. i have to call before the 22nd or it will expire. i'm so bad at making appointments.

on a completely different note, on monday morning i had to take john to the hospital to have a "procedure." we had to be there at 7 AM. i played the part of the wife the whole day. when john was coming out of the anesthesia, it was probably some of the funniest hours i've ever spent with him. he immediately started talking about how the last thing i said to him was "shut up" before he went into the surgery... because the last thing he said to me was "i know how much money is in my wallet," since i was holding on to his clothes and stuff! he couldn't drive the rest of the day so i had to take care of him and bring him supper and all. it was definitely my most wife-like day so far. it was the best.

welcome november.

only 2 months left in the year 2o1o. it has been a good year. but i would like to see what the next one is all about.

this weekend was fun. friday after school i went to harvest moon with john and his co-workers before going to the fair, then john's house. the fair was not too fun. but naturally, harper was the one who wanted to ride everything and davis was more than cautious, despite the fact that he's 5 and she's only 3. saturday morning john and i went to get doughnuts together. yummy but waaaay too fattening. saturday afternoon john came and picked me up to go to my parents' house for the party. everybody thought elton was super-cute. and he was. john insisted that i say elton was the cutest one there. saturday night john and i carved our pumpkins, finally. i didn't get to do an intricate pattern like usual, because we were in a hurry to get them out before trick-or-treating began! john made his look like his pumpkin got sick and threw up pumpkin guts. mine was a bat. when the trick-or-treaters came, two of them were my students and they were very surprised to see me. "it's the music lady!!!" john and i watched "The Crazies" before bed, but luckily it wasn't too scary.

sunday i got a flu shot at church (weird, i know) and my arm is still sore!!! ouch! since my dad was there, i had him pay for it! hooray! sunday afternoon i actually did a lot of cleaning before taking my nap. john and i had pizza and watched DH as usual. it was the last time we'll get to hang out until next sunday!! because...

i'm leaving thursday after school to go visit my sister in north carolina! i'm very excited, even though it means a weekend without john. john doesn't understand why i feel so sad about not seeing him for a full week. he doesn't know how lucky he is. i used to cry every time my bf would leave me, even if it was just for the night. i was so unhealthy! i told john that i could stand him missing me a little more. but he just keeps insisting that it will be okay and we'll text a lot. i'll believe it when i see it!

john has a new favorite activity... cracking my back. he makes me lay on the ground and he pops my back around. he finds it extremely satisfying when my back makes loud popping sounds. i went to pick up something from his house last night and i wasn't there 5 minutes before he was asking to pop my back again. maybe he's found a new calling as a chiropractor. i do carry a LOT of tension in my back, so the adjustment does help. i'd like a massage too though!