a list. of 8 things.

i'm not even sure what i'm here to write about today. i just want to keep this blog updated better than I did the last time. i used to be such a faithful blogger! maybe i'll make a list for you...

1. i am hormonal and crazy this week. i'm ready for it to end.
   
2. i wish john could get better quicker. my mom says i have no room to complain.
   
3. i am so poor. and this month my paycheck starts getting cut for the 10 furlough days my county is giving us. i've never had to be such a penny pincher. last week i ate every piece of bread i had, even the hard ones at the end. usually i would just throw it away and get a new soft loaf. i also stopped buying organic milk. and i'm not even trying to buy healthy food because i might not eat it before it goes bad. so i'm only buying the things i know i'll eat.
   
4. elton's birthday is tomorrow. that's john's dog. he'll be six. i got him a present.
5. i started using my curling iron again recently. i had gone totally straightener, but i decided to try something new. it didn't go as hoped, but still okay.
   
6. i'm realizing i know so little about john's past relationships and wondering if that's a good or bad thing. i can be a very jealous girl. the one time he said something about an ex-girlfriend in a story, i felt like someone punched me in the stomach.
   
7. on monday nights i go to yoga, then to the store, then get dinner to-go from moe's. i like my routine. john likes routines too. currently our routine is to hangout on thursday nights watching project runway (we're pulling for mondo!), see each other after the game on fridays, have a date saturday night, and watch tv (now desperate housewives) on sunday nights. it's a vast difference from when i only saw him once a week.
   
8. i'm trying to work on how i might react to a change in this routine. like, if john decided he felt too tired to hang out on a thurs or saturday night. i would be so disappointed and my initial reaction would be to lay on the couch for long periods of time. that shouldn't be how it is though. i should just say okay and do something else, something else i enjoy. i don't think i'm there yet, but that's the goal.
   

that's all for now.

in the groove.

i kind of feel like i'm finally hitting my "groove" in albany. i love becoming more social and meeting people who are potential albany friends. i went to a birthday dinner last night at los vaqueros. i ended up sitting by a girl that i've seen at my yoga class before. she was actually one of the "birthday girls." she seemed really cool.

i am getting my house together finally. i painted my bedroom from green to a deep beige (called coffee for some strange reason) and i LOVE it! it looks so amazing. i'm so ready to get curtains hung, new blinds picked, art hung on the wall, etc. i also bought this thing to hang on the wall to organize all my necklaces. they're always in a tangle, so i end up not ever wearing them or wearing the ONE that i keep out of the tangle for a few months. i've decided i want to paint the hallway light gray. i think it would be really cool. not much of my furniture matches gray though, so i thought the hallway would be a good place for it. the hardest thing to decide on is the living room/dining room/kitchen. they're all pretty connected, but i don't know that i want to paint all of it one color. it's the main living space of the house, so i want it to look awesome- but i'm failing miserably. not only is it not cute but it smells like cat pee. andy's favorite spot to pee was underneath the large front windows.

my boyfriend has a recently diagnosed heart condition. he went to the doctor and the medicine is working, but he was disappointed to hear he'll be on medication forever. he's really down about all of this and it makes me feel like an inadequate girlfriend. i can't make him happy. and even though i know the depression and sadness is not about me, it's still hard on me. i want to make things all better and i can't.

i'm trying to work out my neediness by creating a life of my own that is about way more than a boyfriend. i feel like i'm making progress. but i'm a long way from normal.

make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver and the other gold.

i went out again last night. at 9 pm, when i'm usually getting in bed, i met up with some girls at the levee. the levee is this music place where they have lessons and classes and stuff, and they have live music on thursday night. sara, the leader of my small group last year and someone i've known forever, and her friends go there most thursdays. she told us about it on tuesday so i asked if i could meet up with them. it was pretty fun, but kind of too loud to actually make conversation. but i guess i'm making progress. the girls seem cool and down to earth, not like mean junior league girls. i guess these are "my people" as dr. kaiser would say. oh, and i'm going to dinner with a big group of people on tuesday night again. we're celebrating a few different people's birthdays @ los vaqueros. i was told i could invite john too, but he probably has band stuff. i can't believe how social i'm being. it's kind of crazy.

this weekend i'm going to paint my bedroom. i'm not looking forward to the work, but i'm looking forward to the outcome. i'm so tired of that ugly green that doesn't match my stuff. it should be a step towards making my house what i would actually like it to be.

my mom just sent me an email about the place we're going next weekend. it's the len foote inn. you have to hike to it. i'm so not excited. the website says no cell phones too!! they're already taking me away from john and now i can't even text him either! i'm sure he'll love the time off :(
i told my mom i was already planning to not have fun. mom says they're trying to work out going to the outlet mall while we're up in north ga. i guess that's an attempt to appease me. it might work. my next date with john isn't until september 18th! that makes me so sad!!! it better be a darn good date too. i'm gonna see john tonight after the football game. actually, i'll see him during the game because i'm going- but he won't see me. it's kind of like spying on him. i've only gone to one football game while dating him and it makes me feel sooooo proud. i feel like my heart will just burst out of my chest.

thou shalt not covet.

i went to a party this weekend. ok..stop..take a deep breath. yes, i know it's shocking- whitney at an actual social event in albany, georgia. but yes it did happen this sunday. there's a group of young professionals in albany called "emerge." a couple of acquaintances of mine are in it, one is a chairperson. i have been talking to her about trying out a new church and volunteering at her workplace, so she invited me to the party at her house. ok this girl is a few years younger than me and isn't in a high-paying position or anything but her house is AMAZING. i am now super-duper jealous and dying to make my house as cute as hers. it will never be as nice. hers has wood floors, crown molding, a pool, etc. i have no idea how she's affording it. but yes i could make my house a lot better than it is. so therefore, this weekend will be devoted to redoing my house! it's works out pretty good, because john is going up to visit his parents this weekend for labor day. i'm sad he's leaving me, but it will give me a chance to get some things done. we were supposed to have davis and harper this weekend too, but "the papers" say that genny has them for labor day. booo.

i was really down yesterday. some things that happened this weekend were a blow to my confidence and my neediness came crawling back into my life. like, going to the party. john had to practically beeeeg me to go because i was so freaking nervous. but i knew if i didn't go i would regret it, because i'm always complaining about not having friends. john really wants me to have some friends too because it's a lot of pressure for him to be my sole social outlet. so i went. but i felt kind of out of place because most of the people already knew each other. everybody was pretty nice, but i didn't feel like i had much to add and i don't think i made any "friends." i couldn't even go add anybody i met as a friend on facebook! john said it was a start and now i'll get invited next time they do something. i'm sure i'll get invited to "emerge" events because i'm on the email list now, but as far as just one friend inviting me to do something- not gonna happen. so, that made me feel depressed and made me miss my megin and cynthia. i was telling john how weird it is that i have no friends here, because with jamie, megin, and cynthia- i'm the leader! i'm the one everybody tells stuff to. i'm the tie that binds :) but here i feel like the ugly duckling. i like myself, and i think i have a lot of offer actually- but i can't seem to express it in a way that makes people want to befriend me. how did i ever get friends in the first place? john is really supportive and tries to counsel me through this friend thing. it's nice but it also makes me feel embarrassed.

so anyway yesterday evening i was feeling really down knowing that i wasn't going to see john much in the next few weeks (oh, did i mention that i'm going out of town NEXT weekend!). but i made myself go to yoga and i'm glad i did. alan, the teacher, tells us that this is our 50 minutes and nothing else in the world matters for those 50 minutes. and during that time i kept reminding myself that this is MY life. relationships may come a go, but i'll always be with myself so i better love it. i left yoga feeling like the needy-bug had left me.

love and life.

so, i might be in love. this is the easiest relationship i've ever been in. even when there is tension and we're having issues, it works out in a much calmer way. maybe it's just a change in me. i'm not who i was even 9 months ago. it makes me wonder how things would have worked out if i had been this way back in other relationships. i think life would have been very different. i sort of regret that i wasn't "normal' back then like i am now. i would like to see what my relationships would have been like with kendall and michael. but why look back? only look forward...

i'm getting really into my yoga class. i love monday nights. it makes me feel strong and healthy. i now believe it when i hear that exercise makes you healthier physically and mentally. i never imagined i would be one of those people who looks forward to going to the gym, but i do! i'm actually disappointed that my job at church (which starts again today) interferes with my step and lower cuts class on tuesdays. now i can only really go to yoga on mondays and step/upper cuts on thursdays. the rest of the days, if i go to the gym, i'll have to work out on my own. i found out that i don't push myself as hard as i could, because i work a lot harder during class.

my tapp coach is coming on thursday and i'm feeling a little stressed about it. he is a nice man but our last few talks have made me feel like a terrible person. i'm not looking forward to that. he's also going to watch me teach a lesson that i don't feel all that comfortable with. i taught it once yesterday and i have two more chances to get it right later today. it involves my students working in groups to write a rap and things can get wild and crazy when they're working together.

i also have angel choir starting tomorrow. i am trying to be a lot more organized to start out the year. i have already sent a postcard telling the parents they need to come register on the first night. that way i will have everybody's correct information and email address. i'm also going to have a sign-up sheet so that i have at least one parent with me each wednesday. that's to cover my butt for the safe sanctuary policy my church follows. so i have information cards and a signup sheet to make before tomorrow night, plus, um.. plan what we're going to do! i usually do it at the last minute but of course i want the first week to be really good!

the first westover football game is friday night. john is the director of their marching band, so i'll probably go to the game to support my love. but it means i don't get to spend that time with him. i don't even know if i'll see him after. we haven't talked about it yet. i do know that i'll see him tomorrow night and saturday at least. thinking about it makes me smile.

a change.

so you may have noticed that i've made a few changes to the blog. i've changed the purpose of this blog from updating on mine and cynthia's resolutions to just randomness about my life! i used to be such a good blogger on xanga. and on some other site before that.

since this blog is now about my life- let me update you on what's going on:

1. i've been dating john since january and things are going super well! i really really like him. i'm used to being in relationships where we fight and i pout a lot. dating john is not like that. i've never gone and slept on the couch while dating him :) he met my family a couple weeks ago and that went well, except i'm not sure how he felt about davis and harper. he's not used to being around kids. i'm not sure he really thought of them as PEOPLE.. if that makes sense. at the beginning of our relationship i was lucky to see him once a week and now i see him many times a week and we talk everyday. football/marching band season starts next week though, so our time on the weekends will be slightly more limited. there will be away game nights when he will be gone and i will have to find other things to do and other people to be with unless i want to stay home alone.
   
2. my social life, other than john, has not really improved as I want it to. it's hard.
   
3. work is good, but i don't always feel my opinions as a musician are respected.
   
4. mom says if i clean my whole house she will come over and help me make it look cuter. it's hard to have a clean house when you have a cat that pukes a lot. plus when i moved in there was a weird "house smell" that never went away and only got worse when andy started peeing on the carpet. so overall, owning a house is not all i hoped it would be. i had visions of such a beautiful house and i can't seem to make it happen. i'm trying though and i want to get there. i'm gonna start making a board of pictures of houses that i like and maybe that will help inspire me to fix up my own house. let me tell you, my house is nothing like the ones you see on hoarders or anything. i just wish it was cute!
   
5. my sister moved to boone, nc to be closer to her boyfriend, who is also named john. we have never met him. they're very into the outdoors. they scuba dive and go sailing. i'm sad she moved even farther away from us and i'll see her even less often. when i went to houston i had to drive on the freeway, so now that i'm a master driver, maybe i can drive up to visit her. my mom has lost over 30 lbs. my dad keeps telling me he's gonna die in the next 10 years. davis is officially spoiled and harper has a teenager attitude at age 3. my brother is still single and crazy. my grandmother is just happy to have finally met john after asking for a year. --- that's my family

well gang, i guess that's the update for today. i will be giving you more randomness to enjoy as the weeks go by.

i'm still here.

hello! sorry i have been so unfaithful to this blog. but i'm excited to report that i've lost 6 1/2 lbs. my diet has changed slightly, but i think the weight loss is mostly from going to the gym way way more often.

i'm so happy with life right now. but ready for summer!