i would like to thank all the boys from my past who have dumped me along the way. (the list is too long to post here). if it were not for you all, i would not be with the amazing guy that i'm with now. i would have been stuck with mediocre you and never would have known how great a relationship could feel!
best wishes to you all,
whitney
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
march 22, 2005
have anti-depressants silenced this voice?
"here i am to capture my heart in words again. i cannot always say everything in the right words. sometimes things must be said plainly, without searching for eloquence. of course, that kind of writing loses the music and therefore lacks heart. my purpose is to say things my heart feels in ways it hasn't been said before. not only that, but to also say them in a universal way, so that every heart understands. if i can find the words, then i save those who search for them with no end. not only them, but i save myself. the moment the words and music connect and meaning is given to mere thought i am saved- saved from drowning in a sea of uninterpreted, unexpressed feeling. the goal is partially fulfilled, since i find salvation everyday in the words i give the page. but have i touched your heart and helped you to express its brokeness or fullness? perhaps it is my selfishness that stands in the way of the words you need. how can i expect you to see the images drawn on my inner walls, especially in this darkness? even here i am leaving too much space. if i could pull you close enough, could you then see all the meaning in me? or would that closeness shut out the light you hold onto? (but isn't darkness the happiest place we have found together?) today's truth is that you may only see in the light. i will leave you at arms length, but importance is in the arm itself. on it, a sleeve, bearing my heart. there i will wear it- burned, scarred, but willing, so that you may read it however you may in your blindness.
this is the reason i hold on to you still, even when i am tempted to see you gone. you have lain yourself across my arm with too many words to name here. with your entirity, you have covered my sleeve, making its meaning beautiful. in this life, it has only been you to believe that way. it has only been you to have eyes in my darkness. however close i pull, however pitch the light, i am perfectly explained. there is the answer. i am completely saved by your understanding. underneath the words is your heart, with no questions of why. you can never be gone. do you see that too? these are the words i have wanted so long to give to you, i pray, with no expectation. who knew i would find them in the place where you are closest to my heart and farthest from my hand? still, their weakness here does not bear enough force to crumble your wall of stone. oh but if they did... i would never need again because i have found reason in these words! saved forever as my words save you! i will not say it, but there is one word at the center of all i give to you now. i am looking for strength and the word is what makes me weak. i have said it in failed attempts, lowering myself to its use. that is what i can see today. this is the gift i could never give. "
"here i am to capture my heart in words again. i cannot always say everything in the right words. sometimes things must be said plainly, without searching for eloquence. of course, that kind of writing loses the music and therefore lacks heart. my purpose is to say things my heart feels in ways it hasn't been said before. not only that, but to also say them in a universal way, so that every heart understands. if i can find the words, then i save those who search for them with no end. not only them, but i save myself. the moment the words and music connect and meaning is given to mere thought i am saved- saved from drowning in a sea of uninterpreted, unexpressed feeling. the goal is partially fulfilled, since i find salvation everyday in the words i give the page. but have i touched your heart and helped you to express its brokeness or fullness? perhaps it is my selfishness that stands in the way of the words you need. how can i expect you to see the images drawn on my inner walls, especially in this darkness? even here i am leaving too much space. if i could pull you close enough, could you then see all the meaning in me? or would that closeness shut out the light you hold onto? (but isn't darkness the happiest place we have found together?) today's truth is that you may only see in the light. i will leave you at arms length, but importance is in the arm itself. on it, a sleeve, bearing my heart. there i will wear it- burned, scarred, but willing, so that you may read it however you may in your blindness.
this is the reason i hold on to you still, even when i am tempted to see you gone. you have lain yourself across my arm with too many words to name here. with your entirity, you have covered my sleeve, making its meaning beautiful. in this life, it has only been you to believe that way. it has only been you to have eyes in my darkness. however close i pull, however pitch the light, i am perfectly explained. there is the answer. i am completely saved by your understanding. underneath the words is your heart, with no questions of why. you can never be gone. do you see that too? these are the words i have wanted so long to give to you, i pray, with no expectation. who knew i would find them in the place where you are closest to my heart and farthest from my hand? still, their weakness here does not bear enough force to crumble your wall of stone. oh but if they did... i would never need again because i have found reason in these words! saved forever as my words save you! i will not say it, but there is one word at the center of all i give to you now. i am looking for strength and the word is what makes me weak. i have said it in failed attempts, lowering myself to its use. that is what i can see today. this is the gift i could never give. "
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
ups and downs.
i'm a little bored, so how about a blog post?
i went to disney last week on spring break. i went with my family- including mom, dad, brother, niece, and nephew. we went to the magic kingdom, hollywood studios, and the animal kingdom. it rained the first day and it was miserable. we didn't stay for the parade and fireworks, which was my favorite (and most magical) part last time. oddly, a picture of john and his former girlfriend at disney kept appearing in my head... making me wonder what it was like for them at disney and wondering how he felt about her, if he liked her better, etc. the kids were okay most of the time, but there were some really terrible moments when both of them were pitching fits at the same time and (trying to) refuse to get on rides. i have to say, the part that made me not want to go next time was not the kids or the rain, it was my mom and brother. my mom is always in a horrible mood around my brother and mutters stuff under her breath a lot. and my brother gets angry. i can't stand the tension. i don't like to be around my mom when she's in that mood. it makes disney not the happiest place on earth.
needless to say, i was happy it was pouring the day we left so that all we could do was drive home! we got there in the late afternoon, so i was able to see andy and bee for awhile before going to john's house. then... i basically lived with john for 4 days. it was the best. i cried monday when it was over. i didn't want to leave. it made me want to get married to john. he doesn't even love me yet, so we're pretty far away from that... if it ever is to happen anyway.
i got a part in guys & dolls at theatre albany. i'm gonna be a hotbox girl. i think it just involves a lot of dancing. i was the only girl at the audition (on my night) that seemed to have any coordination or "cutesy-ness" in their dancing. i'm just excited about being in another show. it's been 10 years since i was in a show at theatre albany. i don't know what it will be like as an adult. as a teenager it was the best, you spend so much time with other teenagers and i made lots of friends. my dad said when i was in a show, i seemed the happiest i'd ever been. true.
i had my second weigh-in last night at weight watchers. i lost .6 lbs since the last weight-in. i think that's pretty good for being at disney for 4 days... but this weight-loss thing is taking forever!! i guess it's supposed to be more like a life-style change than just be about losing weight. but darn it!! i want to be skinny!! i bought a dress and skirt at target yesterday without trying them on. at home when i put them on they were tighter than i wanted them to be. they were both size 6. they're both wearable- especially with spanx!- but i wish i felt better in them. i want to be a size 4, not go up to a size 8! i have a gift certificate to one of my favorite stores in albany- Blush. i told john i wasn't going to use it until i met my 5% goal, which is 7 lbs. since i've only lost 2.8 lbs the whole time i've been doing this... 7 lbs seems far off!! dang. :(
i went to disney last week on spring break. i went with my family- including mom, dad, brother, niece, and nephew. we went to the magic kingdom, hollywood studios, and the animal kingdom. it rained the first day and it was miserable. we didn't stay for the parade and fireworks, which was my favorite (and most magical) part last time. oddly, a picture of john and his former girlfriend at disney kept appearing in my head... making me wonder what it was like for them at disney and wondering how he felt about her, if he liked her better, etc. the kids were okay most of the time, but there were some really terrible moments when both of them were pitching fits at the same time and (trying to) refuse to get on rides. i have to say, the part that made me not want to go next time was not the kids or the rain, it was my mom and brother. my mom is always in a horrible mood around my brother and mutters stuff under her breath a lot. and my brother gets angry. i can't stand the tension. i don't like to be around my mom when she's in that mood. it makes disney not the happiest place on earth.
needless to say, i was happy it was pouring the day we left so that all we could do was drive home! we got there in the late afternoon, so i was able to see andy and bee for awhile before going to john's house. then... i basically lived with john for 4 days. it was the best. i cried monday when it was over. i didn't want to leave. it made me want to get married to john. he doesn't even love me yet, so we're pretty far away from that... if it ever is to happen anyway.
i got a part in guys & dolls at theatre albany. i'm gonna be a hotbox girl. i think it just involves a lot of dancing. i was the only girl at the audition (on my night) that seemed to have any coordination or "cutesy-ness" in their dancing. i'm just excited about being in another show. it's been 10 years since i was in a show at theatre albany. i don't know what it will be like as an adult. as a teenager it was the best, you spend so much time with other teenagers and i made lots of friends. my dad said when i was in a show, i seemed the happiest i'd ever been. true.
i had my second weigh-in last night at weight watchers. i lost .6 lbs since the last weight-in. i think that's pretty good for being at disney for 4 days... but this weight-loss thing is taking forever!! i guess it's supposed to be more like a life-style change than just be about losing weight. but darn it!! i want to be skinny!! i bought a dress and skirt at target yesterday without trying them on. at home when i put them on they were tighter than i wanted them to be. they were both size 6. they're both wearable- especially with spanx!- but i wish i felt better in them. i want to be a size 4, not go up to a size 8! i have a gift certificate to one of my favorite stores in albany- Blush. i told john i wasn't going to use it until i met my 5% goal, which is 7 lbs. since i've only lost 2.8 lbs the whole time i've been doing this... 7 lbs seems far off!! dang. :(
Friday, March 25, 2011
friday fill-ins
1. Why does it smell in my house?.
2. 4 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies is equal to 8 weight watchers points.
3. My favorite breakfast includes lots of butter.
4. The Help was the last book I read on my Kindle.
5. I am SO glad that I am not afraid to cook for my current beau.
6. A hug and a kiss (and a nap) would make me feel better right now.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to cooking for John & watching Black Swan, tomorrow my plans include cleaning my house top to bottom and Sunday, I want to have a safe and fun trip to Disney World!
2. 4 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies is equal to 8 weight watchers points.
3. My favorite breakfast includes lots of butter.
4. The Help was the last book I read on my Kindle.
5. I am SO glad that I am not afraid to cook for my current beau.
6. A hug and a kiss (and a nap) would make me feel better right now.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to cooking for John & watching Black Swan, tomorrow my plans include cleaning my house top to bottom and Sunday, I want to have a safe and fun trip to Disney World!
Monday, March 21, 2011
life in a bag.
the contents of my current purse:
vera bradley pouch (ittin' in a tree) containing insulin pen, glucose monitor, and testing strips
small notebook to jot things down- especially weight watchers stuff, currently
work badge and key on Coach owl keychain
2 checks waiting to be deposited- totaling $340
checkbook
car, house, parents' house, church, lakehouse keys on etsy-found owl keychain
vera bradley wallet (sittin' in a tree)
digital camera
deodorant- dove powder fresh!
tweezers
vera bradley lipstick case (sittin' in a tree) containing two lipsticks
nail file
1 tampon
mascara, lipstain, chapstick x 2, another lipstick
1 easter egg (haha!)
sunglasses
4 pens
another work key
eye drops
contact cleaner
bunches of loose excedrin
1 empty excedrin bottle
nail clippers
1 earring
sticky tabs for marking music
weight watchers food tracker and weight watchers points calculator
vera bradley pouch (ittin' in a tree) containing insulin pen, glucose monitor, and testing strips
small notebook to jot things down- especially weight watchers stuff, currently
work badge and key on Coach owl keychain
2 checks waiting to be deposited- totaling $340
checkbook
car, house, parents' house, church, lakehouse keys on etsy-found owl keychain
vera bradley wallet (sittin' in a tree)
digital camera
deodorant- dove powder fresh!
tweezers
vera bradley lipstick case (sittin' in a tree) containing two lipsticks
nail file
1 tampon
mascara, lipstain, chapstick x 2, another lipstick
1 easter egg (haha!)
sunglasses
4 pens
another work key
eye drops
contact cleaner
bunches of loose excedrin
1 empty excedrin bottle
nail clippers
1 earring
sticky tabs for marking music
weight watchers food tracker and weight watchers points calculator
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
the beginning.
well, my weight loss journey has begun. i joined weight watchers last night. my mom has been sooo successful with it. she's .2 lbs away from her weight loss goal! i'm not sure how much she's lost total, but it's A LOT! i don't have near as much to lose. i'd like to lose 17 lbs from where i am right now. last night i weighted in at 137 lbs and i'd like to be 120. that's a moderate weight for someone my height. the lowest should be 113 and the highest is 141. after joining and going to the meeting last night, i went to the grocery store. it took me forever! i had to buy so much food, because it's like i'm starting over! there's so much food at my house that i need to throw out. gotta make room for all the veggies and healthy whole grains. i'm even gonna branch out and try a few fruits. i got bananas and blueberries this week. we'll see how that goes. i'm actually getting pretty excited about all this, even though it will be really different from what i am used to. i get to eat way more food than i expected.
my first weight watchers meal i made was:
baked skinless chicken breast- 3 pts
one serving of whole wheat couscous- 2 pts
asparagus cuts- 0 pts
that's only 5 pts total and the average dinner is recommended at 11. right now i have 29 pts to spread out over my day, plus 49 extra pts to spread over the week. when you exercise you earn more pts too based on how much and what kind of exercise you're doing.
my first WW breakfast:
1 cup whole wheat cereal- 2
1 cup fat-free milk- 2 pts
1 banana- 0 pts.
in case you haven't noticed, fruits and most vegetables are 0 pts. they say MOST vegetables because starchy vegetables, like potatos, obviously do pts.
everything i bought last night that is stored in the fridge was left at john's house last night. i went to his house straight from the grocery store, so i had to bring everything in and put it away while i was there. when i left i got everything from the counter and the freezer, but forgot the fridge!! i was so mad when i got home! there are lots of things i want to try with all the new food i bought and now i have to wait until tomorrow.
enough about food....
i'm upset about how little time i will be spending with john in the next few weeks. this weekend i'm "babysitting" hannah. i have to spend the night at her house while her parents are out of town. i get paid $200, so that's obviously why I'm doing that! buuuut that cuts out 2 date nights. john is going with me to warner robins on saturday for me to accompany his high school students for state literary meet. then, i'm taking him to macon to eat at IVP!!! i'm excited to show him macon and mercer :) he says i'll get to see him a few nights next week, but we'll see. THEN the next saturday he's working the GACE then going to Valdosta and Sunday morning i leave for disney world! i'll be gone til thursday. finally, i will get to spend some time with him after i get back. i know i'm complaining for nothing, because lots of other people get to see their boyfriend even less- i'm thinking especially of megin and her fiance, jesse. i don't know how she's doing it! she's a lot stronger than me, when it comes to that. i'm half excited about disney and half dreading it. my dad begged me to go because i'm the best at handling harper. her dad is too easy on her and my mom is really tough on her. i'm the middle ground and her "best buddy." last time at disney was when we really bonded. i took her on all the rides, got her ready for bed and ready in the morning, let her wear my lotion and perfume, went to bed with her every night, and carried her around. one of my favorite moments was when we left the park really late one night (late for a 2-year-old) and i was carrying her to the ferry. the ferry was PACKED so we had to stand up. harper fell asleep in my arms with her head on my shoulder on the ride back to our "cabinet" aka cabin. my other favorite disney moment was watching tinker bell fly across the sky during the fireworks. disney is amazing!!! but davis and harper can be real brats sometimes!!! and my mom and brother fight like cats and dogs. i know i will be REALLY REALLY ready to get home to my peace and quiet (and cats) by thurs.
my first weight watchers meal i made was:
baked skinless chicken breast- 3 pts
one serving of whole wheat couscous- 2 pts
asparagus cuts- 0 pts
that's only 5 pts total and the average dinner is recommended at 11. right now i have 29 pts to spread out over my day, plus 49 extra pts to spread over the week. when you exercise you earn more pts too based on how much and what kind of exercise you're doing.
my first WW breakfast:
1 cup whole wheat cereal- 2
1 cup fat-free milk- 2 pts
1 banana- 0 pts.
in case you haven't noticed, fruits and most vegetables are 0 pts. they say MOST vegetables because starchy vegetables, like potatos, obviously do pts.
everything i bought last night that is stored in the fridge was left at john's house last night. i went to his house straight from the grocery store, so i had to bring everything in and put it away while i was there. when i left i got everything from the counter and the freezer, but forgot the fridge!! i was so mad when i got home! there are lots of things i want to try with all the new food i bought and now i have to wait until tomorrow.
enough about food....
i'm upset about how little time i will be spending with john in the next few weeks. this weekend i'm "babysitting" hannah. i have to spend the night at her house while her parents are out of town. i get paid $200, so that's obviously why I'm doing that! buuuut that cuts out 2 date nights. john is going with me to warner robins on saturday for me to accompany his high school students for state literary meet. then, i'm taking him to macon to eat at IVP!!! i'm excited to show him macon and mercer :) he says i'll get to see him a few nights next week, but we'll see. THEN the next saturday he's working the GACE then going to Valdosta and Sunday morning i leave for disney world! i'll be gone til thursday. finally, i will get to spend some time with him after i get back. i know i'm complaining for nothing, because lots of other people get to see their boyfriend even less- i'm thinking especially of megin and her fiance, jesse. i don't know how she's doing it! she's a lot stronger than me, when it comes to that. i'm half excited about disney and half dreading it. my dad begged me to go because i'm the best at handling harper. her dad is too easy on her and my mom is really tough on her. i'm the middle ground and her "best buddy." last time at disney was when we really bonded. i took her on all the rides, got her ready for bed and ready in the morning, let her wear my lotion and perfume, went to bed with her every night, and carried her around. one of my favorite moments was when we left the park really late one night (late for a 2-year-old) and i was carrying her to the ferry. the ferry was PACKED so we had to stand up. harper fell asleep in my arms with her head on my shoulder on the ride back to our "cabinet" aka cabin. my other favorite disney moment was watching tinker bell fly across the sky during the fireworks. disney is amazing!!! but davis and harper can be real brats sometimes!!! and my mom and brother fight like cats and dogs. i know i will be REALLY REALLY ready to get home to my peace and quiet (and cats) by thurs.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
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