indulge me.

one of the "fill-ins" this week inspired me to write another entire post. it's the one where i was supposed to fill in what's extraordinary about me. i thought for awhile, but couldn't come up with one. that made me feel really bad. i know i struggle with self-esteem (example: i felt bad about myself for not being able to come up with anything good about myself! geez!) and that struggle has damaged a lot of relationships i've been in. i think my lack of self-esteem really started in middle school. that's when i was at my peak of ugliness/awkwardness/geekyness. there were girls that i had been friends with in elementary school were able to join the cool clique.. and left me on the outside. actually, i tried to at least be on the fringe. one of my really good friends since kindergarten was in the cool group. she had to choose between me and the cool group. the cool group won. i didn't wear the "right" clothes (GAP mostly), i wore glasses, my hair was long and stringy, i didn't take a bath every night (hahaha), and my ears stuck out (still do). i got made fun of and pushed down during "socialization time" after lunch. i made up a friend to write notes to, since all the cool girls were writing notes to each other. and worst of all, i wouldn't fully commit to friendships with girls who would have been friends with me, because they were not in the popular group. i would associate with them until i felt like the cool clique was watching then i'd pull away and act like i didn't like them.

anyway- time went on and high school came and i made friends with other people... but i mostly clung to jeremy, my high school boyfriend (who turned out to be gay). those popular girls were still around, and i guess i still wanted to impress them, but i didn't push the issue. i cared, but it wasn't at the forefront anymore, i guess. i developed a really tough exterior. i was good at not letting anyone in. i could date someone for 2 weeks and dump them without another thought. i actually told one boyfriend that i needed more space. (people who know me well today would know how crazy that is for me).

on comes college, i ended up making friends with GIRLS! it was crazy. i still don't know how it happened. i guess the image i had the whole time i lived in albany and went to school with the same people K-12th was erased when i went to mercer. i got to be a new person. and people accepted me. but of course the damage was already done... and i see rear its ugly head all the time. i have no confidence when it comes to making friends with other girls. i really haven't made any friends on my own since i've lived in albany. i use whatever guy i'm dating and his friends as my social life. so whenever i get dumped, i'm back to zero. i would never just call someone up and ask them to do something, because i always assume that people don't like me. that's my overall feeling- people don't like me. girls don't like me. boys... boys, i can handle. that's a whole different can of worms though.

enough rambling about my lack of self-esteem. i asked megin, cynthia, and john what was extraordinary about me. so far megin has responded. this is her list:

1. i have a knack for trendy/stylish things... not just clothes, but decorating too
2. the strange way my family relates to each other
3. my level of commitment to all the things i'm involved with
   
4. my makeup stays on all day because i have nice, non-oily skin (hahaha)
5. i'm a great teacher (she only assumes this, since she's never witnessed i

i thought it might be good for me to really try and make my own list. to do this, i had to silence all the negative self-talk that would tell me all my answers were stupid and that it wasn't something extraordinary or something i should like about myself. anyway, here goes...

what i like about myself:

1. my sense of humor
2. i am quirky and unique
3. i'm a good speller
4. i'm a good writer and journal keeper
5. i love cats- all of 'em!
6. i can wiggle my ears.
7. i can sing crazy high. notes only dogs can hear.
8. i can sing and play the piano... even at the same time
9. i'm great with kids and kids love me. i love being "miss whitney" and even "ms coleman"
10. i'm great at doing my own eye makeup.
11. i like being creative and crafty.
12. i'm a gifter. i love buying little gifts for people.
13. i love writing and receiving hand-written notes and letters.
14. i have a really good "teacher look," you know, "the eye."
15. i like my handwriting
16. i like my big boobs. (can i say that?)
17. i'm getting better and more flexible at yoga.
18. i can keep duple against triple rhythms superbly.
19. i have a "cute" personality.
20. i make a mean broccoli casserole.
21. i'm smarter than the average bear.
22. i like to read.
23. i like to see oscar award-winning movies, but i also love girly chick flicks.
24. i went to public school.
    
25. i have a masters degree.
26. my classroom is always super cute and fun.
27. i have a wonderful owl collection and i love all things owl.
28. i'm a good friend (despite being told the opposite by my freshman roommate).
29. i have an undying Target obsession. i could go there daily.
30. i once ate 5 hotdogs and 2 plates of crawfish in one sitting. i was about eleven.
31. i can sing the names of the 50 states in alphabetical order.

i'm proud of myself for this list of 31.

1. New experiences and possibilities excite me.

2. Maybe an unexpected turn on a daily walk could lead you right where you belong.

3. I'm looking forward to my dear friend Megin's wedding- & my first big trip w John.

4. My relationship with John has become something I never have imagined.

5. Try to find healing, peace, and happiness.

6. _____is what's extraordinary about me. (i'll get back to you on this one)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Harper and Davis, then relaxing at home in my pjs watching "Say Yes to the Dress" & dreaming that someday I might get to say yes, tomorrow my plans include keeping myself busy so that I don't have time to miss John too much and Sunday, I want to see John again after 3 days without him!