march 22, 2005

have anti-depressants silenced this voice?

"here i am to capture my heart in words again. i cannot always say everything in the right words. sometimes things must be said plainly, without searching for eloquence. of course, that kind of writing loses the music and therefore lacks heart. my purpose is to say things my heart feels in ways it hasn't been said before. not only that, but to also say them in a universal way, so that every heart understands. if i can find the words, then i save those who search for them with no end. not only them, but i save myself. the moment the words and music connect and meaning is given to mere thought i am saved- saved from drowning in a sea of uninterpreted, unexpressed feeling. the goal is partially fulfilled, since i find salvation everyday in the words i give the page. but have i touched your heart and helped you to express its brokeness or fullness? perhaps it is my selfishness that stands in the way of the words you need. how can i expect you to see the images drawn on my inner walls, especially in this darkness? even here i am leaving too much space. if i could pull you close enough, could you then see all the meaning in me? or would that closeness shut out the light you hold onto? (but isn't darkness the happiest place we have found together?) today's truth is that you may only see in the light. i will leave you at arms length, but importance is in the arm itself. on it, a sleeve, bearing my heart. there i will wear it- burned, scarred, but willing, so that you may read it however you may in your blindness.
this is the reason i hold on to you still, even when i am tempted to see you gone. you have lain yourself across my arm with too many words to name here. with your entirity, you have covered my sleeve, making its meaning beautiful. in this life, it has only been you to believe that way. it has only been you to have eyes in my darkness. however close i pull, however pitch the light, i am perfectly explained. there is the answer. i am completely saved by your understanding. underneath the words is your heart, with no questions of why. you can never be gone. do you see that too? these are the words i have wanted so long to give to you, i pray, with no expectation. who knew i would find them in the place where you are closest to my heart and farthest from my hand? still, their weakness here does not bear enough force to crumble your wall of stone. oh but if they did... i would never need again because i have found reason in these words! saved forever as my words save you! i will not say it, but there is one word at the center of all i give to you now. i am looking for strength and the word is what makes me weak. i have said it in failed attempts, lowering myself to its use. that is what i can see today. this is the gift i could never give. "

ups and downs.

i'm a little bored, so how about a blog post?

i went to disney last week on spring break. i went with my family- including mom, dad, brother, niece, and nephew. we went to the magic kingdom, hollywood studios, and the animal kingdom. it rained the first day and it was miserable. we didn't stay for the parade and fireworks, which was my favorite (and most magical) part last time. oddly, a picture of john and his former girlfriend at disney kept appearing in my head... making me wonder what it was like for them at disney and wondering how he felt about her, if he liked her better, etc. the kids were okay most of the time, but there were some really terrible moments when both of them were pitching fits at the same time and (trying to) refuse to get on rides. i have to say, the part that made me not want to go next time was not the kids or the rain, it was my mom and brother. my mom is always in a horrible mood around my brother and mutters stuff under her breath a lot. and my brother gets angry. i can't stand the tension. i don't like to be around my mom when she's in that mood. it makes disney not the happiest place on earth.

needless to say, i was happy it was pouring the day we left so that all we could do was drive home! we got there in the late afternoon, so i was able to see andy and bee for awhile before going to john's house. then... i basically lived with john for 4 days. it was the best. i cried monday when it was over. i didn't want to leave. it made me want to get married to john. he doesn't even love me yet, so we're pretty far away from that... if it ever is to happen anyway.

i got a part in guys & dolls at theatre albany. i'm gonna be a hotbox girl. i think it just involves a lot of dancing. i was the only girl at the audition (on my night) that seemed to have any coordination or "cutesy-ness" in their dancing. i'm just excited about being in another show. it's been 10 years since i was in a show at theatre albany. i don't know what it will be like as an adult. as a teenager it was the best, you spend so much time with other teenagers and i made lots of friends. my dad said when i was in a show, i seemed the happiest i'd ever been. true.

i had my second weigh-in last night at weight watchers. i lost .6 lbs since the last weight-in. i think that's pretty good for being at disney for 4 days... but this weight-loss thing is taking forever!! i guess it's supposed to be more like a life-style change than just be about losing weight. but darn it!! i want to be skinny!! i bought a dress and skirt at target yesterday without trying them on. at home when i put them on they were tighter than i wanted them to be. they were both size 6. they're both wearable- especially with spanx!- but i wish i felt better in them. i want to be a size 4, not go up to a size 8! i have a gift certificate to one of my favorite stores in albany- Blush. i told john i wasn't going to use it until i met my 5% goal, which is 7 lbs. since i've only lost 2.8 lbs the whole time i've been doing this... 7 lbs seems far off!! dang. :(