march 22, 2005

have anti-depressants silenced this voice?

"here i am to capture my heart in words again. i cannot always say everything in the right words. sometimes things must be said plainly, without searching for eloquence. of course, that kind of writing loses the music and therefore lacks heart. my purpose is to say things my heart feels in ways it hasn't been said before. not only that, but to also say them in a universal way, so that every heart understands. if i can find the words, then i save those who search for them with no end. not only them, but i save myself. the moment the words and music connect and meaning is given to mere thought i am saved- saved from drowning in a sea of uninterpreted, unexpressed feeling. the goal is partially fulfilled, since i find salvation everyday in the words i give the page. but have i touched your heart and helped you to express its brokeness or fullness? perhaps it is my selfishness that stands in the way of the words you need. how can i expect you to see the images drawn on my inner walls, especially in this darkness? even here i am leaving too much space. if i could pull you close enough, could you then see all the meaning in me? or would that closeness shut out the light you hold onto? (but isn't darkness the happiest place we have found together?) today's truth is that you may only see in the light. i will leave you at arms length, but importance is in the arm itself. on it, a sleeve, bearing my heart. there i will wear it- burned, scarred, but willing, so that you may read it however you may in your blindness.
this is the reason i hold on to you still, even when i am tempted to see you gone. you have lain yourself across my arm with too many words to name here. with your entirity, you have covered my sleeve, making its meaning beautiful. in this life, it has only been you to believe that way. it has only been you to have eyes in my darkness. however close i pull, however pitch the light, i am perfectly explained. there is the answer. i am completely saved by your understanding. underneath the words is your heart, with no questions of why. you can never be gone. do you see that too? these are the words i have wanted so long to give to you, i pray, with no expectation. who knew i would find them in the place where you are closest to my heart and farthest from my hand? still, their weakness here does not bear enough force to crumble your wall of stone. oh but if they did... i would never need again because i have found reason in these words! saved forever as my words save you! i will not say it, but there is one word at the center of all i give to you now. i am looking for strength and the word is what makes me weak. i have said it in failed attempts, lowering myself to its use. that is what i can see today. this is the gift i could never give. "