thou shalt not covet.

i went to a party this weekend. ok..stop..take a deep breath. yes, i know it's shocking- whitney at an actual social event in albany, georgia. but yes it did happen this sunday. there's a group of young professionals in albany called "emerge." a couple of acquaintances of mine are in it, one is a chairperson. i have been talking to her about trying out a new church and volunteering at her workplace, so she invited me to the party at her house. ok this girl is a few years younger than me and isn't in a high-paying position or anything but her house is AMAZING. i am now super-duper jealous and dying to make my house as cute as hers. it will never be as nice. hers has wood floors, crown molding, a pool, etc. i have no idea how she's affording it. but yes i could make my house a lot better than it is. so therefore, this weekend will be devoted to redoing my house! it's works out pretty good, because john is going up to visit his parents this weekend for labor day. i'm sad he's leaving me, but it will give me a chance to get some things done. we were supposed to have davis and harper this weekend too, but "the papers" say that genny has them for labor day. booo.

i was really down yesterday. some things that happened this weekend were a blow to my confidence and my neediness came crawling back into my life. like, going to the party. john had to practically beeeeg me to go because i was so freaking nervous. but i knew if i didn't go i would regret it, because i'm always complaining about not having friends. john really wants me to have some friends too because it's a lot of pressure for him to be my sole social outlet. so i went. but i felt kind of out of place because most of the people already knew each other. everybody was pretty nice, but i didn't feel like i had much to add and i don't think i made any "friends." i couldn't even go add anybody i met as a friend on facebook! john said it was a start and now i'll get invited next time they do something. i'm sure i'll get invited to "emerge" events because i'm on the email list now, but as far as just one friend inviting me to do something- not gonna happen. so, that made me feel depressed and made me miss my megin and cynthia. i was telling john how weird it is that i have no friends here, because with jamie, megin, and cynthia- i'm the leader! i'm the one everybody tells stuff to. i'm the tie that binds :) but here i feel like the ugly duckling. i like myself, and i think i have a lot of offer actually- but i can't seem to express it in a way that makes people want to befriend me. how did i ever get friends in the first place? john is really supportive and tries to counsel me through this friend thing. it's nice but it also makes me feel embarrassed.

so anyway yesterday evening i was feeling really down knowing that i wasn't going to see john much in the next few weeks (oh, did i mention that i'm going out of town NEXT weekend!). but i made myself go to yoga and i'm glad i did. alan, the teacher, tells us that this is our 50 minutes and nothing else in the world matters for those 50 minutes. and during that time i kept reminding myself that this is MY life. relationships may come a go, but i'll always be with myself so i better love it. i left yoga feeling like the needy-bug had left me.