Thursday, August 11, 2011

Test


Sorry guys. Just trying to figure out how to post pictures from my phone. So far, it's a no go.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

school starts back tomorrow, so that makes this as good of a time as any to reclaim my precious blog. i returned home this afternoon from a quick jaunt to atlanta with the boyfriend. after battling traffic on the way up, we went to a braves baseball game (they won!) for a friend's 40th birthday. after the game, i booked a room via priceline on my new blackberry (forgot to mention i got a new one before we left for atlanta). we gor a good price as the grand hyatt in buckhead. it was heaven. if only we could have stayed there instead of going out til 3 in the morning with the birthday party. anyway, we had to come home this morning to make it back for open houses at our respective schools. then, it was time to make a pre-back to school trek to the grocery store for lunch essentials.
i recently had cataract surgery done on my right eye and tuesday i will have the left one done. i'm excited to have both eyes seeing clearly. unfortunately, i will always need reading glasses... which actually makes me more teacher-like. being able to see clearer has brought to my attention just how disgusting my house is. so, i've been in a cleaning frenzy. this makes john super duper excited. there's a lot to be done, so i'm having to take one project at a time. i think the fridge might be next.
weight loss hasn't been going that well since vacation, so i really need to get back on the bandwagon now that i'm getting back on a schedule.
things with john are great! i love him more and more everyday. he's the best.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

dear exes

i would like to thank all the boys from my past who have dumped me along the way. (the list is too long to post here). if it were not for you all, i would not be with the amazing guy that i'm with now. i would have been stuck with mediocre you and never would have known how great a relationship could feel!

best wishes to you all,
whitney

Thursday, April 21, 2011

march 22, 2005

have anti-depressants silenced this voice?

"here i am to capture my heart in words again. i cannot always say everything in the right words. sometimes things must be said plainly, without searching for eloquence. of course, that kind of writing loses the music and therefore lacks heart. my purpose is to say things my heart feels in ways it hasn't been said before. not only that, but to also say them in a universal way, so that every heart understands. if i can find the words, then i save those who search for them with no end. not only them, but i save myself. the moment the words and music connect and meaning is given to mere thought i am saved- saved from drowning in a sea of uninterpreted, unexpressed feeling. the goal is partially fulfilled, since i find salvation everyday in the words i give the page. but have i touched your heart and helped you to express its brokeness or fullness? perhaps it is my selfishness that stands in the way of the words you need. how can i expect you to see the images drawn on my inner walls, especially in this darkness? even here i am leaving too much space. if i could pull you close enough, could you then see all the meaning in me? or would that closeness shut out the light you hold onto? (but isn't darkness the happiest place we have found together?) today's truth is that you may only see in the light. i will leave you at arms length, but importance is in the arm itself. on it, a sleeve, bearing my heart. there i will wear it- burned, scarred, but willing, so that you may read it however you may in your blindness.
this is the reason i hold on to you still, even when i am tempted to see you gone. you have lain yourself across my arm with too many words to name here. with your entirity, you have covered my sleeve, making its meaning beautiful. in this life, it has only been you to believe that way. it has only been you to have eyes in my darkness. however close i pull, however pitch the light, i am perfectly explained. there is the answer. i am completely saved by your understanding. underneath the words is your heart, with no questions of why. you can never be gone. do you see that too? these are the words i have wanted so long to give to you, i pray, with no expectation. who knew i would find them in the place where you are closest to my heart and farthest from my hand? still, their weakness here does not bear enough force to crumble your wall of stone. oh but if they did... i would never need again because i have found reason in these words! saved forever as my words save you! i will not say it, but there is one word at the center of all i give to you now. i am looking for strength and the word is what makes me weak. i have said it in failed attempts, lowering myself to its use. that is what i can see today. this is the gift i could never give. "

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

ups and downs.

i'm a little bored, so how about a blog post?

i went to disney last week on spring break. i went with my family- including mom, dad, brother, niece, and nephew. we went to the magic kingdom, hollywood studios, and the animal kingdom. it rained the first day and it was miserable. we didn't stay for the parade and fireworks, which was my favorite (and most magical) part last time. oddly, a picture of john and his former girlfriend at disney kept appearing in my head... making me wonder what it was like for them at disney and wondering how he felt about her, if he liked her better, etc. the kids were okay most of the time, but there were some really terrible moments when both of them were pitching fits at the same time and (trying to) refuse to get on rides. i have to say, the part that made me not want to go next time was not the kids or the rain, it was my mom and brother. my mom is always in a horrible mood around my brother and mutters stuff under her breath a lot. and my brother gets angry. i can't stand the tension. i don't like to be around my mom when she's in that mood. it makes disney not the happiest place on earth.

needless to say, i was happy it was pouring the day we left so that all we could do was drive home! we got there in the late afternoon, so i was able to see andy and bee for awhile before going to john's house. then... i basically lived with john for 4 days. it was the best. i cried monday when it was over. i didn't want to leave. it made me want to get married to john. he doesn't even love me yet, so we're pretty far away from that... if it ever is to happen anyway.

i got a part in guys & dolls at theatre albany. i'm gonna be a hotbox girl. i think it just involves a lot of dancing. i was the only girl at the audition (on my night) that seemed to have any coordination or "cutesy-ness" in their dancing. i'm just excited about being in another show. it's been 10 years since i was in a show at theatre albany. i don't know what it will be like as an adult. as a teenager it was the best, you spend so much time with other teenagers and i made lots of friends. my dad said when i was in a show, i seemed the happiest i'd ever been. true.

i had my second weigh-in last night at weight watchers. i lost .6 lbs since the last weight-in. i think that's pretty good for being at disney for 4 days... but this weight-loss thing is taking forever!! i guess it's supposed to be more like a life-style change than just be about losing weight. but darn it!! i want to be skinny!! i bought a dress and skirt at target yesterday without trying them on. at home when i put them on they were tighter than i wanted them to be. they were both size 6. they're both wearable- especially with spanx!- but i wish i felt better in them. i want to be a size 4, not go up to a size 8! i have a gift certificate to one of my favorite stores in albany- Blush. i told john i wasn't going to use it until i met my 5% goal, which is 7 lbs. since i've only lost 2.8 lbs the whole time i've been doing this... 7 lbs seems far off!! dang. :(

Friday, March 25, 2011

friday fill-ins

1. Why does it smell in my house?.

2. 4 oatmeal chocolate chip cookies is equal to 8 weight watchers points.

3. My favorite breakfast includes lots of butter.

4. The Help was the last book I read on my Kindle.

5. I am SO glad that I am not afraid to cook for my current beau.

6. A hug and a kiss (and a nap) would make me feel better right now.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to cooking for John & watching Black Swan, tomorrow my plans include cleaning my house top to bottom and Sunday, I want to have a safe and fun trip to Disney World!

Monday, March 21, 2011

life in a bag.

the contents of my current purse:

vera bradley pouch (ittin' in a tree) containing insulin pen, glucose monitor, and testing strips
small notebook to jot things down- especially weight watchers stuff, currently
work badge and key on Coach owl keychain
2 checks waiting to be deposited- totaling $340
checkbook
car, house, parents' house, church, lakehouse keys on etsy-found owl keychain
vera bradley wallet (sittin' in a tree)
digital camera
deodorant- dove powder fresh!
tweezers
vera bradley lipstick case (sittin' in a tree) containing two lipsticks
nail file
1 tampon
mascara, lipstain, chapstick x 2, another lipstick
1 easter egg (haha!)
sunglasses
4 pens
another work key
eye drops
contact cleaner
bunches of loose excedrin
1 empty excedrin bottle
nail clippers
1 earring
sticky tabs for marking music
weight watchers food tracker and weight watchers points calculator

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

the beginning.

well, my weight loss journey has begun. i joined weight watchers last night. my mom has been sooo successful with it. she's .2 lbs away from her weight loss goal! i'm not sure how much she's lost total, but it's A LOT! i don't have near as much to lose. i'd like to lose 17 lbs from where i am right now. last night i weighted in at 137 lbs and i'd like to be 120. that's a moderate weight for someone my height. the lowest should be 113 and the highest is 141. after joining and going to the meeting last night, i went to the grocery store. it took me forever! i had to buy so much food, because it's like i'm starting over! there's so much food at my house that i need to throw out. gotta make room for all the veggies and healthy whole grains. i'm even gonna branch out and try a few fruits. i got bananas and blueberries this week. we'll see how that goes. i'm actually getting pretty excited about all this, even though it will be really different from what i am used to. i get to eat way more food than i expected.

my first weight watchers meal i made was:
baked skinless chicken breast- 3 pts
one serving of whole wheat couscous- 2 pts
asparagus cuts- 0 pts

that's only 5 pts total and the average dinner is recommended at 11. right now i have 29 pts to spread out over my day, plus 49 extra pts to spread over the week. when you exercise you earn more pts too based on how much and what kind of exercise you're doing.

my first WW breakfast:
1 cup whole wheat cereal- 2
1 cup fat-free milk- 2 pts
1 banana- 0 pts.

in case you haven't noticed, fruits and most vegetables are 0 pts. they say MOST vegetables because starchy vegetables, like potatos, obviously do pts.

everything i bought last night that is stored in the fridge was left at john's house last night. i went to his house straight from the grocery store, so i had to bring everything in and put it away while i was there. when i left i got everything from the counter and the freezer, but forgot the fridge!! i was so mad when i got home! there are lots of things i want to try with all the new food i bought and now i have to wait until tomorrow.

enough about food....
i'm upset about how little time i will be spending with john in the next few weeks. this weekend i'm "babysitting" hannah. i have to spend the night at her house while her parents are out of town. i get paid $200, so that's obviously why I'm doing that! buuuut that cuts out 2 date nights. john is going with me to warner robins on saturday for me to accompany his high school students for state literary meet. then, i'm taking him to macon to eat at IVP!!! i'm excited to show him macon and mercer :) he says i'll get to see him a few nights next week, but we'll see. THEN the next saturday he's working the GACE then going to Valdosta and Sunday morning i leave for disney world! i'll be gone til thursday. finally, i will get to spend some time with him after i get back. i know i'm complaining for nothing, because lots of other people get to see their boyfriend even less- i'm thinking especially of megin and her fiance, jesse. i don't know how she's doing it! she's a lot stronger than me, when it comes to that. i'm half excited about disney and half dreading it. my dad begged me to go because i'm the best at handling harper. her dad is too easy on her and my mom is really tough on her. i'm the middle ground and her "best buddy." last time at disney was when we really bonded. i took her on all the rides, got her ready for bed and ready in the morning, let her wear my lotion and perfume, went to bed with her every night, and carried her around. one of my favorite moments was when we left the park really late one night (late for a 2-year-old) and i was carrying her to the ferry. the ferry was PACKED so we had to stand up. harper fell asleep in my arms with her head on my shoulder on the ride back to our "cabinet" aka cabin. my other favorite disney moment was watching tinker bell fly across the sky during the fireworks. disney is amazing!!! but davis and harper can be real brats sometimes!!! and my mom and brother fight like cats and dogs. i know i will be REALLY REALLY ready to get home to my peace and quiet (and cats) by thurs.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Friday, February 18, 2011

indulge me.

one of the "fill-ins" this week inspired me to write another entire post. it's the one where i was supposed to fill in what's extraordinary about me. i thought for awhile, but couldn't come up with one. that made me feel really bad. i know i struggle with self-esteem (example: i felt bad about myself for not being able to come up with anything good about myself! geez!) and that struggle has damaged a lot of relationships i've been in. i think my lack of self-esteem really started in middle school. that's when i was at my peak of ugliness/awkwardness/geekyness. there were girls that i had been friends with in elementary school were able to join the cool clique.. and left me on the outside. actually, i tried to at least be on the fringe. one of my really good friends since kindergarten was in the cool group. she had to choose between me and the cool group. the cool group won. i didn't wear the "right" clothes (GAP mostly), i wore glasses, my hair was long and stringy, i didn't take a bath every night (hahaha), and my ears stuck out (still do). i got made fun of and pushed down during "socialization time" after lunch. i made up a friend to write notes to, since all the cool girls were writing notes to each other. and worst of all, i wouldn't fully commit to friendships with girls who would have been friends with me, because they were not in the popular group. i would associate with them until i felt like the cool clique was watching then i'd pull away and act like i didn't like them.

anyway- time went on and high school came and i made friends with other people... but i mostly clung to jeremy, my high school boyfriend (who turned out to be gay). those popular girls were still around, and i guess i still wanted to impress them, but i didn't push the issue. i cared, but it wasn't at the forefront anymore, i guess. i developed a really tough exterior. i was good at not letting anyone in. i could date someone for 2 weeks and dump them without another thought. i actually told one boyfriend that i needed more space. (people who know me well today would know how crazy that is for me).

on comes college, i ended up making friends with GIRLS! it was crazy. i still don't know how it happened. i guess the image i had the whole time i lived in albany and went to school with the same people K-12th was erased when i went to mercer. i got to be a new person. and people accepted me. but of course the damage was already done... and i see rear its ugly head all the time. i have no confidence when it comes to making friends with other girls. i really haven't made any friends on my own since i've lived in albany. i use whatever guy i'm dating and his friends as my social life. so whenever i get dumped, i'm back to zero. i would never just call someone up and ask them to do something, because i always assume that people don't like me. that's my overall feeling- people don't like me. girls don't like me. boys... boys, i can handle. that's a whole different can of worms though.

enough rambling about my lack of self-esteem. i asked megin, cynthia, and john what was extraordinary about me. so far megin has responded. this is her list:
  1. i have a knack for trendy/stylish things... not just clothes, but decorating too
  2. the strange way my family relates to each other
  3. my level of commitment to all the things i'm involved with
  4. my makeup stays on all day because i have nice, non-oily skin (hahaha)
  5. i'm a great teacher (she only assumes this, since she's never witnessed i
i thought it might be good for me to really try and make my own list. to do this, i had to silence all the negative self-talk that would tell me all my answers were stupid and that it wasn't something extraordinary or something i should like about myself. anyway, here goes...

what i like about myself:
  1. my sense of humor
  2. i am quirky and unique
  3. i'm a good speller
  4. i'm a good writer and journal keeper
  5. i love cats- all of 'em!
  6. i can wiggle my ears.
  7. i can sing crazy high. notes only dogs can hear.
  8. i can sing and play the piano... even at the same time
  9. i'm great with kids and kids love me. i love being "miss whitney" and even "ms coleman"
  10. i'm great at doing my own eye makeup.
  11. i like being creative and crafty.
  12. i'm a gifter. i love buying little gifts for people.
  13. i love writing and receiving hand-written notes and letters.
  14. i have a really good "teacher look," you know, "the eye."
  15. i like my handwriting
  16. i like my big boobs. (can i say that?)
  17. i'm getting better and more flexible at yoga.
  18. i can keep duple against triple rhythms superbly.
  19. i have a "cute" personality.
  20. i make a mean broccoli casserole.
  21. i'm smarter than the average bear.
  22. i like to read.
  23. i like to see oscar award-winning movies, but i also love girly chick flicks.
  24. i went to public school.
  25. i have a masters degree.
  26. my classroom is always super cute and fun.
  27. i have a wonderful owl collection and i love all things owl.
  28. i'm a good friend (despite being told the opposite by my freshman roommate).
  29. i have an undying Target obsession. i could go there daily.
  30. i once ate 5 hotdogs and 2 plates of crawfish in one sitting. i was about eleven.
  31. i can sing the names of the 50 states in alphabetical order.
i'm proud of myself for this list of 31.
1. New experiences and possibilities excite me.

2. Maybe an unexpected turn on a daily walk could lead you right where you belong.

3. I'm looking forward to my dear friend Megin's wedding- & my first big trip w John.

4. My relationship with John has become something I never have imagined.

5. Try to find healing, peace, and happiness.

6. _____is what's extraordinary about me. (i'll get back to you on this one)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing Harper and Davis, then relaxing at home in my pjs watching "Say Yes to the Dress" & dreaming that someday I might get to say yes, tomorrow my plans include keeping myself busy so that I don't have time to miss John too much and Sunday, I want to see John again after 3 days without him!

Friday, January 28, 2011

friday fill-ins

1. Up, up and away.

2. There's always something going around

3. Coats and scarves, mittens and boots: should not be part of my wardrobe.

4. I would do anything for a nice back rub.

5. I'm thinking about how much I wish I was going to see John more this weekend.

6. Spring be here soon!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to seeing John after the basketball game, tomorrow my plans include being sad when I'm alone in my bed and Sunday, I want to have extra time with John, since we don't have choir!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

simplification.

i just listened to a podcast from one of my favorite bloggers, tranquility du jour. it was a podcast on simplification. i am now very inspired to simplify my life, especially my stuff! i am a single girl living in a 3 bedroom house FULL of stuff. like... stuff pouring out of everywhere. i've often thought about how in the world i would combine households with a man in the future, if i get married. like... let's say i marry john and move to his house. where the heck would all my stuff go? he has a house of stuff and i have a house of stuff and there's just not room for all of it! but more importantly, the stuff just does not bring me happiness! in fact, it just creates more stress. the more stuff i have, the more time i have to spend cleaning and taking care of all the stuff! i have so much clothing that i can go weeks without doing laundry. and even then, my closetS are still full of clothing. there are 4 closets in my house (not including the linen closest) and ALL of them contain some portion of my wardrobe. besides that, i have a LARGE pile of clothing in the hallway and another in my office, waiting to be donated to the goodwill. i'm just tired of the stuff. i want to streamline. i want to stop buying more and more and more thinking it will make me happier. i want to have enough money for the things i honestly need without having to work more, taking more time away from doing things i love and spending time with the people i love. just this morning i was considering taking on some voice or piano students to make a little extra cash, but i would be giving up time i would like to spend with john, family, and friends. i think my time is more valuable than the stuff i would buy with the extra money i made. if i cut out all the stupid excess spending, i wouldn't need to work more and i would still have money for what i need. i could pay off my debts and feel free. john and i were watching a show about money last night and were talking about how they say you should have 3 months worth of living expenses in savings "just in case." and john said he's heard that you shouldn't buy a house unless you have 6 months worth!! we're both screwed if we even miss one month's paycheck. we can't survive like that, especially if we were to get married and have children. we can't afford kids at this rate. the other day i heard suze orman on oprah talking to the octomom about how she shouldn't have had kids that she can't afford. i hadn't really considered it before, but it's true- i can't just decide how many kids i want based on my desires and feelings, i also have to base it on how much money i have. will i be able to responsibly afford 3 kids? i know that combining salaries with my future husband and combining our living expenses will help have some expendable cash for making a family... but how large our family will be IS based on what we can afford! john and i both have medical conditions that will not be going away and will only get more complicated as we get older. there will have to be money for that. we're already facing medical bills that we don't feel we can afford. i'm hoping that by simplifying what i think i have to have, i will be able to afford what i need and what kind of life i see for myself in the future.

speaking of a waste of money, last christmas michael gave me a gift certificate to the spa for a facial, massage, pedicure, and manicure. unfortunately i never clalled to make the appt and it expired and now they won't let me use it. boo on mint julep.